“You’re looking well!”
It was so nice to be told that, and it reflected how I felt. After two weeks switched off from work, enjoying the summer break and spending time doing fun things with friends and family it was good to know that feeling rested, less stressed and more relaxed was visible to others.
It also made me wonder what I look like the other fifty weeks of the year!
But I also know that “looking well” is a full-time job. Worse still, I know it’s never-ending. Taking time off even for a short period of time to veg out on the sofa consuming pizza and chocolate undoes all those long hours down at the gym, healthy dinner plates and being “good.”
In my work I spend a lot of time talking with super smart and very capable people. They often share how, despite their success in their career or business, happy relationships and appearing to enjoy life, they frequently feel stuck, tired, stressed, anxious and some also report being very unhappy.
Despite doing all the right things, eating healthily, exercising regularly and aiming for 8 hours sleep at night the comment they receive is “You look awfully tired. Is everything OK?”
You might have been feeling fine, minding your own business and then someone gives you your health report (unrequested) to inform you, you look like sh!*e.
(Can I just say, this is a terrible thing to say to anyone, even if it’s true. Please don’t.)
The way to looking good and feeling great more often.
We wear our health and well-being on our sleeve (or face), so what can you do to improve how you look and feel?
Because life is busy, and challenging. It takes no prisoners when the going gets tough.
This is why having times when things go well for us, and you’re doing those activities you know help maintain your well-being help to bolster against those times when things go pear-shaped.
If you’ve ever experienced a time when everything seems to be working against you, your stress is running on hyper-drive and you can’t find a way out you may find yourself thinking,
“Is this all there is?”
“Will I ever get a break?”
“Should I think about doing something else?”
Life can suck.
Things go wrong.
That’s normal.
We’re wired to have a negativity bias, meaning it’s a normal human response to veer towards negative emotions and language when your life feels it’s going down the toilet.
You may not normally be a Debbie Downer or a Whinging Wally, but anyone who has experienced chronic pain, trauma, sources of disappointment, sadness or frustration may recognise how easily you get sucked into that downward spiral of negative thoughts and unhelpful behavioural patterns.
Breaking free from this can be tricky but is achievable.
It’s time to look through the window.
It starts with self-awareness, asking, “who am I?”
Your window of opportunity here is a framework known as The Johari Window.
This framework can be used to help you tap into what’s holding you back or keeping you stuck.
In other words, it can help reveal your blind spots and cognitive biases.
Yes, we all have these and if you don’t think this applies to you – this is one of your blind spots!
Let’s open the window one pane at a time.
Your Open Self
This is where you pause and ask yourself,
“How am I? Really?
It’s such a simple question, but we often fail to ask it of ourselves, or answer with a lie.
Others may ask too.
How did you answer when asked last time?
If your answer was “I’m fine!” was that true?
Statistics suggest 95% of the time it isn’t.
We say we’re fine when we’re not, because we’re being polite, to avoid being seen as a whinger (because seriously, other people don’t really want to know if you’re not fine), you don’t want to have to explain yourself, or to be made to feel vulnerable.
When checking in on your “fine” ask, “how do I feel first thing in the morning?”
Are you energised, optimistic for the day ahead and happy?
If you’ve been dealing with a tricky situation, ask yourself,
- “What is true about the situation I’m facing?”
- “Is there anything good that may result?”
- “Am I going to learn something by dealing with this?”
- “What matters to me the most here?”
- “What strengths and values can I draw on, that can help?”
This is because your open self knows you and you’re known by others.
You’re open to self-disclosure and getting feedback on how you’re going, which is especially important if you feel fine, but no-one else around you is convinced.
Your Blind Self
It’s normal to think we don’t have blind spots. But we do.
That that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to ignore this fact.
We develop all kinds of biases and beliefs from previous experience. This is where getting curious to what these might be, can help you avoid getting caught in a heap of assumptions, rationalisations, or justifications, or worse still, ignorance.
No one has all the answers. It was such a relief to realise this when working as a GP because I’d been brought up to think that doctors must know everything. But none of us do or can.
Not having all the answers allows you to stay curious to find the answer and to challenge your existing thoughts by asking “What am I assuming here?”
Your brain is the master of storytelling. You can think of it as the Master script writer for “Days of Our Lives” on steroids. When we have gaps in our knowledge, we fill them in with our own thoughts and suppositions. The problem with this fuzzy logic is we’re often wrong. Yikes!
Your blind self needs to be mindful when asked,
- “Why did you make that decision”
- Or “Was there a reason for why you didn’t complete the task?”
Can you answer fully and truthfully and fess up to thinking you had the answer based on incomplete information?
No doubt you would have said something.
Listen to your words and pause to reflect,
“Is this true, or a story based on my beliefs or perspective about the issue?”
Recognising our blind spots isn’t easy, but accepting our imperfection enables us to work to our best and stay curious to what else we can learn or get better at.
Your Hidden Self
Your hidden self is as it sounds. There will be certain aspects of yourself you prefer to keep private. It may be that you don’t see the need for others to know what these are, or that it’s not their business or that you fear their judgment if they discover them.
Where this shows up will be if you’ve tried to “fit in” to a new work group or team. Belonging matters as an important factor of our ability to flourish.
The risk is that hiding part of you, can lead to loneliness, feeling on the “outer” or abandoned.
“Will I be accepted if I share my background, my neurodiversity, my past history?”
Here you can ask, “What am I most afraid of in this situation? Is this a genuine concern, or can I be more honest about who I am, to bring other people closer?” Fear is a powerful (and normal response) when dealing with an unknown.
When ready to step into your courage and reveal your whole self, while daunting this is what builds mutual trust from your shared honesty.
Your Unknown Self
We don’t know everything about ourselves, and neither do others.
Self-discovery here is about trying out new ideas or processes, learning new skills and information and asking others – what are their perspectives?
Is there an untapped natural ability or aptitude you hadn’t realised you have?
Reducing the unknown qualities of ourselves is facilitated with active listening. What are others saying about you?
The four panes of the Johari window are not of equal size, nor are they static. You can boost self-awareness and increase your open self by asking for feedback, which will also shrink some of those blind spots. While self-disclosure shrinks the hidden self and increases the open self.
Insights into ourselves require a dual perspective – from self and others.
This is why working with a coach or mentor can be very effective in helping you gain more insights about your level of self-awareness.
Next time someone makes a comment “you’re looking really well!” ask what you can learn about yourself and reflecting – “what do they see?”
And enjoy the compliment!
How often do you get told how well you look?
Have you worked with others to increase your level of self-awareness for what keeps you healthy on the outside and the inside?
thank you Dr Jenny, i will practice this