When despair becomes desperate. Have we lost the ability to care?

I was half listening to the news headlines on the car radio, when I heard the story that caused me to exclaim “Oh no!”.

A suspected double murder-suicide in Perth.

What? Here? In Perth?
In a suburb not far away from where we live?

Surely not?

With all the political noise, posturing and insignificant opinions currently masquerading as news these days, I tend not to pay much attention to the media.

But this was different.

This was a young family who had reached rock bottom, who saw no future for their teenage children who lived with significant disability, and who took the decision to end all their lives.

What saddened me the most was learning this family had been desperate for more assistance, yet their allocated funding had recently been cut.

What made me angry was knowing that we as a society can do so much better for our families with the greatest needs. We have a system in place supposedly providing support.

But it’s failing badly and the ones who suffer the most are those who are left wondering how can they continue to manage their situation, when they are already exhausted, frustrated, and have lost hope.

What I am afraid of, is that we will hear of more tragic events like this and that we as a community will do nothing, change nothing and carry on with our lives, blinkered to what is happening in quiet suburban streets behind closed doors where despair is seeping into desperation.

Were you affected by this news?
Are you in a similar situation, and understand exactly why this tragedy unfolded?

The need to show we care

As humans we are interdependent on each other. As social beings, the need to feel part of a tribe, a family or group plays a vital role in maintaining our safety and well-being.

When we ask, “who cares?” the question is laced with social nuance. What are our responsibilities and obligations to care?

Is this something to be outsourced to bureaucratic structures i.e. the State, or is it something that each one of us can contribute to through kinship and local community?

Care and connection is a common theme frequently discussed in different forums because it matters. A lot.

It matters because our social relationships and how we care for each other is a reflection of what our society stands for.

How do you want our society to be perceived?

There is much we can do at an individual level, that costs us nothing but can make a massive difference to an individual who wants to know someone does care.

Carers also need care 

Being a carer is a fulfilling experience, but it also has many challenges, not least when you’re exhausted and there’s no one else to take over your role.

• You’re the one battling the “powers that be” who infuriatingly don’t appear to be either listening or to care one jot for your plight.
• You’re the one who misses out on the possibility of doing things outside home, with friends or just for yourself. You’d love a holiday, but how can that happen?
• Your mental health can suffer. Anxiety, depression, guilt, social isolation and loneliness all take a toll.
• You know that self-care as a carer is essential. But it’s not always easy to do enough to keep well, physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.

Things to help include:

1. Making sure you have someone to talk to or can get help from when needed
2. Show yourself some self-compassion. Everyone has bad hair days and sometimes negative emotions like resentment, anger, grief and sadness can bubble up. This is normal. If you can’t change things, letting go as best you can, will help. One friend told me she found beating the c*@p out of a pillow for 5 minutes could help.
3. Schedule in time for you, even if it’s 5 minutes to be on your own, or time to get out for a walk, or to get to the hairdressers.
4. Find your own support team. This could be close friends or an association. The important thing is to know you’re not on your own in this.
5. Take a break when you can. Respite services (and I recognise these are not always ideal) can provide the opportunity for you to get a couple of days off.
6. Do the things you know are important to your health and well-being like eating properly, doing some exercise, getting enough sleep ( that’s often the tough one) and staying connected with friends and family.

What we can do to show we care

This is everyone’s responsibility.

Every day we come into contact with other people, and each one of those contacts is an opportunity to demonstrate your humanity. Because we don’t know what’s going on in someone else’s life.

1. Be kind. If you see an opportunity to show kindness, go for it. Something as small as helping when someone is struggling to get on a bus, offering them a seat on a train or asking if they need assistance. It might be a small gesture on your part, but it can make an enormous difference to the individual who is finding life tough.
2. Be aware. Do you see the people you walk past? Do you show you have seen them by sharing a smile or a nod of acknowledgment? A smile is contagious. It lifts our mood, and that of the person we have shared it with. It’s the perfect way to spread some positive germs.
3. Connect. In her book, “Do Talk to Strangers”, Kerrie Phipps shares some simple tips on how to speak with someone you don’t know, or feel in awe of, remember they’re human just like you and I!

If you’ve ever had the good fortune of meeting or knowing Kerrie, you’ll know the genuine joy and enthusiasm she imbues and the feeling that she does truly care.

We can learn so much of another person’s story by listening without judgment. It’s the spark of care and connection that reveals our humanity and helps us to feel less alone.

Have you experienced something in your life that restored your faith in humanity?
I’d love to hear your story.