It takes a village to raise a child and social connection to build community.
With loneliness now recognised as being more lethal than smoking 15 cigarettes a day, there has never been a more important time to create greater social connection.
But does it ever seem to you that we’re living more separate lives?
- More of us are living alone, either through choice or circumstance.
- More of us don’t know our neighbours, let alone ever speak to them.
- More of us are experiencing a sense of disconnect and loneliness, even when surrounded by others.
Is this true for you?
One of the most important things I have learned from being a doctor is that social connection is critical to our health and happiness.
Indeed, the findings of The Harvard Adult Study of Adult Development, the world’s longest longitudinal study, have shown that it is the strength and quality of our relationships at age 50 that matter far more to our longevity and happiness than any other factor.
So much has changed in our modern way of living, and we have gained so much from all our new technologies and medical advances, and yet… we are becoming sicker and sadder and dying younger.
The World Health Organisation (WHO) Commission on Social Connection’s global report has found 1 in 6 people worldwide are impacted by loneliness, linked to an estimated 871,000 deaths per year.
The report calls for increased action to improve our social health.
We know there is a problem, but fixing it requires a clear understanding of what we’re talking about when using the terms of loneliness and social isolation. We also need a way to measure the scale of the problem, to recognise the causes and find effective solutions.
As a lifestyle medicine practitioner and health coach, much of my work involves helping those affected by loneliness to understand this is not their fault, and what can be readily achieved to alleviate the suffering loneliness entails.
What we can learn from other communities.
I recently spent some time in Fiji, a small but tightly knit population spread over a number of islands.
It was my first visit to a Pacific Island, and I wasn’t sure what to expect, but what I hadn’t expected was the outpouring of genuine warmth and welcome beginning with a welcome song in the arrivals area of Nardi airport. It was fantastic.
“Bula!”
Everyone was smiling, even those working in passport control.
Goodness. Was there something in the water, or was this the effect of drinking kava, the popular drink I’d heard about?
Bula is the Fijian word for hello or welcome and everyone uses it.
Within 5 minutes we were saying it too.
Wherever we went, everyone young and old greeted us with a smile and ‘Bula!’
I’ve learned that emotions are contagious. Well, the Fijians have spread the positive emotion of connection and happiness using one small word.
Part of our trip involved hiking in the interior of the main island of Viti Levu. Along the way we visited several remote highland villages, small communities connected by rough tracks and walking trails where horses provide the easiest way to get around, especially in the wet season when everything becomes extremely muddy.
We had to seek permission from the local chiefs to visit and stay in the villages overnight in the community hall, which was granted if the gift we provided (some dried Kava root was very acceptable) was deemed sufficient.
We were required to dress modestly in these villages and wear a sulu (a wrap-around skirt) worn by men and women to show respect at all times.
After being greeted by the village chief, we were then on a tour of the village before being invited into the community hall for refreshments.
What was noticeable was the genuine warmth and friendliness of all the villagers. Everyone was involved in making us feel welcome and well-fed!
Being subsistence farmers, all the food is grown on-site other than flour and oil.
Watching the women preparing the food was a feast for the eyes and the men showed us how kava is prepared from the dried kava root, pounding it to a muddy coloured powder before adding water.
It looked like mud and the taste, well, somewhat muddy with a hint of earth. Indescribable really. The men appeared to drink a lot of kava in the evenings, a bit different from going down to the local pub, but clearly this was an important way of socialising, and I’m told the kava aids sleep. Though how much you have to consume to get the effect I didn’t discover.
Everything is shared and everyone is included, though there was a strict hierarchy of eating – guests first, then the villagers. The kids were happy, laughing and playing and very keen to interact with us.
These villages run on solar power and expect to have electricity within a few months. While television and WIFI have yet to make an appearance, I wonder what impact these will have on the free play and community interaction.
My biggest takeaway was just how happy everyone appeared to be. I’m sure there are squabbles and neighbourly disputes, but I was left thinking how lucky they are to enjoy such a tight-knit community where everyone is taken care of.
What can we take away from insights such as these?
1. Social connection is everyone’s responsibility.
Treating everyone with respect and abiding by the social etiquette expected provides boundaries and inclusion.
2. Sharing is caring.
If there’s a problem or someone needs a hand, everyone pitches in to help. Changing the thatch on the traditional roofs of the Fijian bures must be done every five years. Just as the Amish raise a barn, it’s all hands-on deck to complete the work quickly and efficiently.
3. Communal living supports everyone.
Everywhere you go in Fiji, everyone says hello or “Bula!” whether you’re walking down the street, entering a shop or about to scull a coconut cup full of kava.
It’s a word full of welcome, warmth and sunshine.
Because humans are social creatures, strong social connection improves our physical health and emotional and mental well-being.
It’s a modifiable determinant of health that can be increased through a whole-society approach.
Children brought up in loving environments enjoy better physical and mental health. It fosters belonging, that innate human need that enables us to flourish.
If we are to reduce the burden of loneliness, there’s no more important place to start than by ensuring our children feel safe, secure and loved from the first day of their lives.
And if you’re currently in a place of social disconnection or loneliness or know someone who might be, now is the time to reach out for help.
What have you found helpful to overcome loneliness?
