“I can’t do this anymore. I’m moving into a hotel!”
There was a quiver in my father-in-law’s voice as he struggled to hold in his emotion.
It was four o’clock on a Friday afternoon.
Of course it was.
Doesn’t it always seem like the biggest emergencies happen at the most inopportune times?
I’d just been thinking how much I was looking forward to reaching the end of the week and heading home from work, hopefully on time for once.
As my mind now quickly swivelled into action mode, for how to best deal with the unravelling situation, I pictured my F-I-L standing forlornly at the end of their driveway, small suitcase on the ground, awaiting his taxi to freedom.
This had been a long time coming. I just hadn’t reckoned on the timing.
My mother-in-law had been living with Alzheimer’s disease for several years. We knew things were bad and getting worse. We knew that my F-I-L was finding it increasingly hard to cope, even though he repeatedly denied this.
He had taken over all the home duties, including cooking, despite not knowing how. They were living on ham and salad and not much else. Fortunately, they both loved Jerry the butcher’s ham, which was just as well. On my visits to the house and taking a surreptitious peek into the pantry and fridge, it was obvious supplies were low, other than several packets of shortbread biscuits (my mother-in-law’s favourite).
We invited them over for Sunday supper each week. The meals were devoured with gusto. There was clearly no issue with appetite. Ham wasn’t on the menu.
My in-laws were lovely, gentle people, always polite, never wishing to impose or be a burden. But these traits were now making it harder for us to help them in their current predicament.
My M-I-L was getting lost more often. On one occasion, I came across her one late afternoon striding purposefully down the street away from where they lived, plastic shopping bag in hand.
I asked if she needed a lift home, which she happily accepted. She’d left the house to walk the 50 meters to the shop to buy tissues because my F-I-L had had a blood nose. She hadn’t realised she was walking in the wrong direction.
Offers of help, respite, and carer’s packages had been repeatedly, politely and firmly turned down. My F-I-L was nothing if not a proud man, who didn’t want to admit defeat, despite not understanding the changes in his wife’s behaviour.
My repeated attempts to explain what having a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s meant didn’t sink in. Denial was complete.
Caring for our elders can be hard.
Stubborn! Irascible! There were times when I felt like saying, ‘OK, do it your own way and see what happens!’ I could also see myself playing out the same scenario in my later years. I have always been fiercely independent, and the thought of being told “you need help” is something I concede I’m unlikely to receive well, either.
Caring for our ageing and increasingly vulnerable and frail parents is a significant stress we‘re often not prepared for, and there is no single, simple solution.
This is where having the support you need can be a lifesaver to your own sanity and energy because:
- It’s exhausting, trying to anticipate what might happen next.
- You’re repeating the same conversations and know you’re not being listened to. What is agreed to in one moment is quickly disagreed to in the next. Whatever you suggest, it’s not what they want, or appreciated.
- You can feel the frustration, guilt and rage building inside.
It’s OK to be angry with the situation.
You’re human.
This is where working with a health coaching professional can make the biggest difference.
Exposure to this type of chronic stress can lead to increased levels of inflammation in your body, predisposing you to an increased risk of developing mental or physical disease. Carer’s burnout is real and frequently debilitating.
Taking care of your own health and wellbeing in this situation is vital.
If this is you,
Do you know where to start?
Do you have a trusted professional you can talk to?
If you’d like to have a conversation around what could be helpful, you can book an obligation-free 30-minute call here.
