The biggest obstacle to workplace well-being is the one not being talked about.

I was having my hair done at the hairdresser’s the other day and noticed a new sign on the mirror in front of me. A sign similar to others I’ve seen in various shops, essentially asking their customers to respect the staff.

I asked why they had felt it necessary to put up the sign and was told the familiar story that unfortunately a small minority of customers were rude and verbally aggressive towards the staff, so the sign was a statement to say we’re not going to tolerate their behaviour.

At the hairdressers!

September 11^th is RU OK? Day. It’s a day to remind ourselves to look out for each other, to check in with our friends, family and colleagues and to have that deeper conversation about how we are, really.

It’s also a day where people like me are asked to speak to different companies, to their teams and leaders about what can help build awareness of mental health challenges at work and to share tips and ideas on what can elevate well-being in the workplace.

This matters because how you feel about your workplace environment shapes your mood and your health.

It matters to your enjoyment of your work.

It matters to your confidence, your sense of belonging and your overall happiness.

But we have a problem and it’s one I’ve noticed is getting more common.

Because while our well-intentioned workplace well-being programs seek to educate us, and motivate us to move towards choosing healthy behaviours, there’s one behaviour that’s become a major threat.

It’s insidious, it can blindside us with its ferocity and nastiness and worse still it is sometimes ignored or denied being happening.

 

I’m talking about aggression. The simmering anger that lies just below the surface.

If you’ve ever been the recipient of a passive-aggressive note – “You touched my car while parking yours. LEARN to drive!!!!” or the gaslighting attempts of a work colleague who sees you as a threat to their own career progression you’ll know how unpleasant these incidents are and how if they persist over time, take a toll on your emotional and mental well-being.

As Melinda found out.

She works in the public sector. She loves her job and knows she’s good at it.

But for the past 18 months, she has been on the receiving end of nasty comments, false rumours and jibes from one person.

She’s reported her colleague’s behaviour, but her seniors appear disinterested and suggest she seek ways to get on better with her tormentor.

She’s considered quitting her job, which she knows is what the other person wants, and doesn’t want to give her that satisfaction.

But things have got to the point where she knows her own health is suffering and needs help.

She is having problems sleeping, is exhausted, is crying a lot and knows her work performance is slipping.

Her boss suggested she take some time off, and to talk to her GP because she seemed depressed.

While it’s a depressing situation to be in, Melinda did not believe she was depressed, just worn down by the constant attacks.

After hearing her story, I asked Melinda what she wanted to happen.

“All I want is to be allowed to do my job that I love and not have to interact with the person who is giving me all this grief.”

I asked if she had spoken with the colleague to share how her behaviour was affecting her, and said she had.

She’d also asked why she was behaving in this way.

While not directly expressed, Melinda believes the aggression being shown towards her stems from professional jealousy.

There’s no single solution to being able to successfully manage another person’s aggression.

In this situation Melissa did not feel she was at risk of any physical attack, so the focus became to seek ways to effectively defuse the impact of the colleague’s negative behaviours while enabling her to stay empowered and effective in her own role.

 

Some suggestions to achieve this could include:

1. Show that you’re listening to what the other person is saying (even though you don’t want to hear it)
2. Practice staying calm and non-reactive. Breathe.
3. Use an ‘I’ statement like,
   • I don’t appreciate being spoken to like this.
   • I don’t understand what you mean.

4. Document all incidents.
5. Keep a line of communication open with your superiors to keep them informed of the situation. They may be reluctant to deal with this, but the existing legislation now makes it very clear of their duty of care.
6. Create alignments with your other colleagues who may be willing to support and advocate for you.
7. Seek help. This could be your EAP or another senior in the organisation.

 

Staying non-reactive diminishes the power of the person being verbally aggressive.

Aggression is never acceptable in any form. The impact is incredibly damaging and can result in prolonged trauma.

The question is, how can we show each other a little more kindness, tolerance and understanding and reduce the aggression that currently exists?

Is verbally aggressive behaviour something you’ve experienced that’s had a negative impact on your health and wellbeing?