You’re an excellent mind-reader.
You know this treatment your doctor wants you to take, won’t work.
You know you’re not as good/talented/clever as your peers.
You know your colleagues don’t like you.
If you’ve been telling yourself these stories, it’s time to break free.
Because not only are they probably wrong, but they’re also keeping you small, stuck and unhappy.
But this is what our assumptions are. They’re stories we’ve created and tell ourselves, to fill in the gaps when we don’t have all the information needed for a clear, fact-based decision.
And if we adhere closely to the same assumption, eventually it becomes our truth, until we are faced with reality.
Like,
“I’ve noticed you’re not drinking alcohol, are you pregnant?”
“Actually, I’m not allowed to drink alcohol because of the medication I’m on.”
And we all make assumptions because our brain uses them as mental shortcuts when facts are few and far between.
There are lots of different assumptions we make. Here are a few of the common ones.
Guess what.
One of the audience participation games I used to run in conferences was “guess what musical instrument this person plays.”
I’d ask for volunteers who played a musical instrument to stand and invite other members of the audience to guess what their instrument was.
We inevitably got some hilarious suggestions based on the shape of the person’s hands, their hair colour or their demeanour and inevitably they were almost all wrong.
Guess what? Our guesses are just that. And there are gigantic holes in most of our assumptions.
I’m not saying we can never be right with our assumptions, just that there’s no measuring stick to check their validity.
People are looking at me.
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s the feeling of being judged.
Learning how to speak in public was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done.
Standing in front of an audience, I felt stupid, inadequate, an imposter.
My tongue would stick to the roof of my mouth, my brain would whirl round in ever decreasing circles, my thoughts were discombobulated – what was I supposed to be saying?
The cure arrived when I was told by my mentor to get over myself, because no-one’s listening anyway – they’re all too engrossed in their own little bubble of self-interest.
I had assumed, the audience were judging my clothes, my English accent or my attempt to be humorous.
Taking the focus off ourselves is liberating!
We worry so much about what others might think.
But that worry is misplaced.
Far better to remember the audience or person you’re speaking to wants to understand what you’re sharing, and to hear your message, before determining whether they agree or disagree.
And what they think of you is none of your business.
I’m not good enough.
Would all the people who think they’re not good enough, please stand up.
Thank you. Now that you know that this applies to most of us. Relax!
There is an imposter within us all. Sometimes it’s not very big. Sometimes it’s enormous.
Imposters are OK. The people I worry about are those who are over-confident, so cock-sure of their own abilities, they’re blind to their imperfections and impervious to the suggestion they are not right. It never occurs to them they could be wrong – that would be impossible in their eyes.
Imposterdom is not a blight. It’s a vulnerability and by celebrating the fact you don’t know everything or have all the answers is a sign you’re ready to learn and grow.
This is a great benefit when working with other people.
Whether you’re a teacher, a health practitioner or a doctor, being open to not knowing everything helps in interpersonal communication , because now you’re sharing ideas and knowledge rather than adopting an authoritarian or “know-it-all” attitude.
This is the basis for establishing trust and mutual respect on both sides.
It’s also a powerful motivator to want to learn more.
Which is why I’m constantly looking for ways to further upskill in my work and take on new challenges. This helps me to stay relevant and up to date with new technologies and medical advances.
I’m not likeable.
Honey, this is NOT true.
We are all unique. You may be shy or sensitive to other people’s demeanour, or unsure whether you belong, but that doesn’t imply they dislike you.
You may think others don’t like you because they didn’t acknowledge your presence when passing you in the corridor or say hello. But maybe they didn’t notice you, hear you or were engrossed in their own thoughts (most likely).
Or were you giving off vibes that meant the other person thought you didn’t like them?
Have you ever had that conversation with another person where you’ve shared you though they didn’t like you, and they then turn round and say, “I thought it was you who didn’t like me!”?
What if, you were to challenge that assumption that you’re not likeable by reminding yourself of all your great qualities and the people you have in your orbit who you know and love and know they love you too and accept you for the person you are?
No one is perfect.
We’re not all alike.
We won’t get on with everyone.
That’s normal.
Becoming more attractive and likeable to others is as easy as practising your best (authentic) smile, and asking the other person questions about them, rather than yourself. Over time this gets easier, and now you’ve established your own group of raving fans.
I won’t.
Won’t comes from a place of fear and is associated with a closed mindset.
This is an assumption that can be incredibly hard to shift, especially if there’s no insight to the idea that we are mistaken.
If you hear yourself saying,
“That won’t work”,
“He won’t understand”,
“I can’t do that”,
“This will never get approved”,
Your statements are being spoken as if they are fact, when they haven’t been tested yet.
The challenge here is to test the theory to see if you’re right, to ask questions to gain clarity and ask yourself – is this just me, being afraid?
Fear shows up a lot in healthcare. As a GP I would spend a lot of time with patients who were sometimes too afraid to make a decision that could benefit their health. This could be someone with anxiety or depression who had already made up their mind they weren’t going to take medication.
Or it could be someone with type two-diabetes with a large, infected ulcer on their foot refusing treatment.
The aim here being to help them gain insight to where their fear was coming from and the possibility that an alternative approach could be helpful.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in your thinking, try asking, where is my information about this coming from?
Is it valid?
Is there an alternative viewpoint?
Is there an alternative I could try that feels less scary?
Holding onto your assumptions is not a personality flaw. Assumptions are your thoughts and beliefs telling you what is true, without proof.
It’s simply a human trait, a way our brains have evolved to help us make sense of the world and come to a decision at times when we don’t have all the information.
But if your assumptions are holding you back from achieving your health goals, this is where working with a health coach can help you to break free.
As Isaac Asimov said,
“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.”
What assumptions have you made that turned out to be completely wrong?
I’d love to hear your story.
